I Fought The Lawn

Okay, I have a complaint… about The Transformers. I’m talking about the toys, mind you – the movie was actually pretty excellent, and I enjoyed it both times I sat through it [once with friends, once with the kids]. They did a bang-up job with it, which was odd because “they” was Michael Bay, and everything he touches turns to shite. So my complaint lies with the toys, not the film. Okay? Okay.

Behold the wonder that is Starscream. My favourite Decepticon as a child, the cowardly and cruel Starscream has been lovingly returned to life in the shape of this killer-looking robot you see before you. I don’t mind that he’s no longer red, blue and white – you’ve gotta go with what’s cool for the time, and I’m not that picky. What does trouble me, though, is the length of time it took five grown men to turn Starscream from his robot form….

… into his jet fighter form. Any guesses? Forty-five minutes! I shit you not, people -  FORTY-FIVE MINUTES! Why? Because it’s fucking complicated. Five intelligent men at work took three quarters of an hour to transform this thing for Liam’s birthday because it’s insanely complicated. We laughed about it, saying Liam would get it in five minutes…. err, no. He can’t even do it at all. “For ages 5 and up” my Aunt Fanny!

Now again, Starscream looks awesome in both forms, and there’s six missiles that actually fire on it, and he’s way taller than the Titanium Series Starscream…

… but people, this thing is nuts. The Starscream of my youth – the one you see above there – took me three minutes to transform the first time I bought him about a week ago. It’s because there’s only five things needed to do to turn him from robot form…

… into his cool-ass looking plane. COOL-ASS I SEZ! Tell me this thing isn’t as totally wicked-awesome as the new one! I dare you! I double-dare you, mofo! Even now, modern-day Starscream takes me almost five full minutes of twisting and turning to transform, where classic Starscream takes about one. I can see the battle between them now….

[SCENE: Classic Starscream flies over a building with Blitzkrieg and Ravage, bearing down on Modern Starscream.]

CLASSIC STARSCREAM: “DECEPTICONS… ATTAAAAAACK!!”

MODERN STARSCREAM [starting to transform]: “PREPARE TO PERISH, STARSCR — YARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!”

[ Modern Starscream's words are drowned out under five minutes of endless gunfire during his transformation.]

[End scene.]

Also, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I would upload photos of Liam’s transformed Blackout for you… but I can’t understand the directions to transform him! It’s like dyslexic monkeys wrote the instructions to change this dude. And there’s one guy that’s currently taking me twenty full minutes to transform….

… which would be completely ridiculous if it were anyone but Optimus. And yes, he is awesome. But Hasbro, you’ve made these things too complicated for the parents to follow… and even too complicated for the kids! You guys really need to dial it back for the sake of my kid’s frustration levels – and my own sanity, to boot. BRING BACK THE CLASSICS!
- BC