Filed under: Family
Happy birthday to Tracy Anderson! The good city of [he says hesitantly] Edmonton is home to her now, but not for long, as the birthday girl is set to return home to Lavington B.C. Good travels to you, madam – and many more!
Though Tracy is already among the chosen few who have been told, it’s on the monumentous occassion of her birthday that I shall finally share my big news with you all. Here it is:
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Yes, after months of fretting about my manhood and bitching about my lack of success in the bedroom, I am finally having a child! Well, I’m not – my wife is. But I can see why you’d think that, what with my protruding midsection and girlish good looks. The ultrasound above isn’t actually ours, but regardless, my good Canadian soldiers finally stormed my wife’s nearly impenetrable German beach, raising the flag for the good guys and freeing the egg from the vile clutches of… you know, I’m going to stop myself there. I think I’m about to compare her vulva to Hitler, and it’s just not working for me.
At any rate, the little blighter [sex as of yet undetermined] will not only be arriving this December, but is currently set to do so on December 12th… which is my birthday. While a small part of me thinks this would be a wonderful present, I admit that a larger part of me is narrowing it’s eyes and shaking it’s fist at the idea of sharing the only day of the year that’s mine with my offspring. I can see it no: “Happy birthday, Cletus the Fetus! Here’s a minibike, a bottle of whisky and a hooker to make you a man! Oh, and, uh, I guess happy birthday to you, whatever your name is. We stopped at a convenience store on the way over and picked up a box of mixed nuts for you. We all chipped in.”
So Tania is sick all the time, and the moment of joy and elation I felt at becoming a father has quickly faded into inner questions as to whether or not someone with a Batman sticker on his car is actually fit to raise children. I’m sure I’ll be posting more in the coming future about this.
Incidentally, early names for boys include Cameron, Ethan, and Aidan, with the longshot dark horse being ‘Ronin’ [I know, it's odd]. Girl names include Caitlin, Regan and Briar, the last two which my wife is right into. I’ll post the full list later, but I request your input!
Victory is mine!
- BC
