Filed under: Humour
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly!
12. That’s It: I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Lion, The Witch and the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have [But You Never Will]
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. There Is No Number 23
24. Your Nightmares Are Real
25. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
26. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
27. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
28. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
29. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
My mother and I are still not speaking – or I’m still not speaking to my mother, at least. She called my office today and left a message wondering whether or not we’re speaking or not. That’s kind of funny, isn’t it? Anyhow, I currently have no plans to return her call.
The fact of the matter is that I’m not sure what I should do. Clearly I need a lengthy period of time away from her, but I suspect that I might just be wanting to cause her some pain by doing so… which is to say that I’m wondering if one of the reasons I’m not speaking to her is so she’ll feel bad. I’m honestly not sure if that’s true or not, but there’s a ring to it, so I suspect it’s probably the case. That sounds pretty childish to me on the whole, but even if it is, I don’t know if I care. I’m very emotional over my mother, and I need some time to think.
The deal with our relationship is that I have always been used to having a conservative, disciplined father that was tempered by a liberal, more outgoing mother. When my father passed away in 2001, my mother was left unchecked by his opinion and she started to change. She is now living with a man who’s outlook on life is that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what anyone thinks of him, and that’s a characteristic I feel my mother has picked up very strongly from him. She says what she feels like saying without regard for what anyone else might think about it, and that makes her a very different person than the mother I grew up with. I have not been able to adjust to this new person I feel she’s become very well, and so we’re no longer on speaking terms.
I certainly don’t wish my mother ill will, however. I have strong feelings about family, and it saddens me that I don’t feel I can deal with her anymore. These days, my mother says the things that parents should never say to their children, even if their children already know what their parents think. You know what I mean? I’m sure many of you out there have a father, say, who thinks you’re not as tough as him, or who thinks you don’t have his work ethic, or who secretly wishes you were half the athlete he apparently was in high school. If you have a father like this, you know he thinks that, but it’s not something he’s ever supposed to say to you.
Well, that’s my mother. She says it. And perhaps what’s most hurtful isn’t that she says it, but that she might very well be right.
***
I had a job interview this week. It went extremely well, so I’m hopeful. I love my job here, but this is a lot more money and a great opportunity. I’ve got to think about my family first now [from bachelor to the 'burbs, right?], and it would mean a lot towards paying our bills.
- BC
Filed under: Me
1. FIRST NAME? Tim.
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes! I was named after Tim Horton [yes, the coffee shop guy, shut up], who was my dad’s favourite hockey player. I’m adopted, though, and my name at birth was ‘Sean’. On a lighter note, my mother wanted to name me ‘Robin’, but my father wisely thought ‘Robin Wood: Prince of Thieves’ might get me beat up on the playground.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? When my cat Malechai died two years ago.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No. My printing is awesome, however. I haven’t used handwriting in many years – I always print.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I really don’t enjoy lunch meats, but if forced to choose I’d have to say sliced roast beef or salami.
6. KIDS? Stepkids yes, kids no. Hailey is 10, Liam 7. Tania and I have recently started trying to have a child ourselves, though.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I’d like to think so. I say stupid things sometimes, but I think I’m a pretty nice guy overall.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I have two blogs: this one, and God Only Loves Fools, which chronicles my many failures as a golfer. Does that count? Otherwise, no.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Not a *lot*, but probably more than I should.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes. I tried to sell them on Ebay, but those tonsil-hating bastards took the sale down.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No. Unless, like, there were killer bees at the top of the bridge I was on, or something. Which is to say that if my life was on the line, I’d jump, but never recreationally.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Mini-Wheats and Raisin Bran. Isn’t that sad?
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Oh my, no. No. Dress shoes yes, but normally no.
14. WHERE IS NUMBER 14? Being probed for information by Number 2 and Number 5. “You are NUMBER FOURTEEN!” “I am NOT a number! I am a MAN”! Ahh, Patrick McGoohan, you were a wonderful man.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Cherry Garcia, Tiger Tail and Orange Sherbert. Despite that lengthy answer, however, I don’t really like ice cream much.
16. SHOE SIZE? 13. Yeah.
17. RED OR PINK? Ehh… pink, I think. Red’s an oppressive colour. Very vibrant. Pink is easier on the eyes.
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF? That I am aware that have failed to live up to my potential, and still don’t feel overly compelled to try and reach it.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My father. He passed away in 2001. Also? The aforementioned cat, Malechai.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? No.
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black pants, black shoes. I’m at work, and in uniform.
22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The television in my office, the air conditioner in the corner, and the clack of the keys.
24. FAVORITE SMELL? Ha. Well, it’s the smell of the water that’s left in a pot after corn on the cob has been removed. I *love* the smell of corn-water.
25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My wife.
26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Hair. I like healthy-looking hair on a person.
27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Very much so! I miss Tracy being around Toronto.
28. FAVORITE DRINK? Coke and sour apple Slurpees.
29. FAVORITE SPORT? Golf. I don’t like sports, and have never really gotten into them.
30. EYE COLOR? Mine are blue, but if this is a “what do you like best” question, it’s green.
31. HAT SIZE? Huge! Enormous. My head is incredibly large. I have to test-drive hats before buying them.
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No. My vision is good.
33.FAVORITE FOOD? Steak and potatoes, with corn on the cob and some mixed veggies. Alternatively, tacos!
34.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings. By far.
35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATRE? Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. I nearly crapped myself laughing.
36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue. Again, uniforming.
37. SUMMER OR WINTER? I don’t like either. Fall rules all!
38. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs.
39 FAVORITE DESSERT? Black Forest cake.
40. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? *Skip*
41. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? *Skip*
42. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Children: The Challenge. I call it Children: The Burden. Also, P.G. Wodehouse’s Carry On, Jeeves!
43. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A portrait of the bounty hunters from Star Wars. They appear to be standing on a platform in Cloud City. I bought it from Dave at Radio Shack years ago.
44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? House Hunters, Buy Me and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I am so old!
45. FAVORITE SOUNDS: Purring cats, Tania sleeping, and the sound a car makes when it roars past you at insane speeds – you know, like a NASCAR car ’round a track when you’re in the stands.
46. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Beatles. They have a much stronger musical base than the Stones. And although the Stones havce been around a million years longer, they haven’t had a good album since Tattoo You.
47. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Carribean Islands.
48. WHAT’S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I do a more-than-passable impersonnation of Ernie from Sesame Street. Also, I do great impersonnations of other people doing impersonnations, like Kevin Spacey as Christopher Walken or Walter Mathau.
49. WHEN & WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Sometime in the ’70’s, Scarborough, Ontario.
50. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I stole this from Tracy’s blog.
Filed under: Cats
Gentleman Jack [still Captain Jack to the rest of the family, and starting to respond to 'Jack'] is now a lot braver, and has started coming out and mingling with us regularly. He’s eating more and has started meowing, But truth be told, Jack’s something a little less than gentlemanly.
Jack appears to suffer from what I’ve dubbed “c’mere-c’mere, get away-get away” syndrome. He loved his head rubbed and will purr heavily, but he will kick you with his back claws while you’re doing it. But when you pull your hand away, he will grab you with his front paws and pull you back in… before starting to lightly bite you as you scratch his head again. I know a lot about cats – their habits, their signs, and the meanings of the things they do – but I’ve got no idea about what the hell his damage is in *this* particular case. Despite this, though, Gentleman Jack’s a nice boy, but not yet a lap cat as he’s still somewhat nervous around us. I’ve stopped walking softly now that he’s coming out more, because now that he’s not hiding all the time he’s got to get used to normal sounds around the house.
On a sad note, I was falling asleep last night when I heard a screech and a thump on the street outside the house. I got up and saw a van driving off, leaving a big white and black cat lying in the street. I threw on some clothes and ran outside [I mean, I didn't know what I'd do, but I couldn't leave a hurt animal lying in the street], and by the time I got there he was gone. The owner of the van came back, and it so happened that the owner of the cat – Mike, a neighbour of mine – was out on his porch with his brother and another neighbour when it happened, and saw the whole thing. Mike held it together but was obviously distraught; his cat was very old, and he’d had him a long time. While Mike went to get a box for his cat, I closed the old guy’s eyes and we moved him off the road. The van owner was very apologetic, and while they told him he was driving too fast on the street, no one blamed him for the accident.
That kept me up awhile. I played with Jack before going to sleep, and said a little prayer for Mike and his cat to whoever the hell might be listening.
- BC
Filed under: The Lawn
This is Jerry.
Jerry is a bamboo plant that was given to me by Tracy when she left Toronto to go to Edmonton. I’d originally given Jerry to her to put on her desk at her first job here. I don’t have a green thumb, but Jerry simply requires water, and all the light he needs he happily seems to be getting in his little area in the bathroom. My two other plants, Bobby and Danny, face extinction thanks to my inability to figure out what they need. I’m a poor gardener.
I am, however, winning the battle against my lawn.
It’s green, it good, and while it still needs work you can see how my water / Miracle-Gro / fertilzer combination has brought it back nicely since the beginning of the spring. Remember that gaping black hole that wouldn’t grow the grass all spring, after I ripped the bushes out? well, I added some Scotts seed, and it finally started blooming. It’s grown so well that you’re apt to find Dr. Lingstone in there, if you foray into it with a machete.
- BC
Filed under: Cats
Like Tracy over in Cogito Eggo Sum, I have a new addition to the family.
Meet Captain Jack. Here’s the story: I’ve been wanting a second cat for awhile [we still the lovely Ms. Abagail, of course], and Tania said no way recently to a 10 year-old cat named Bucky that a co-worker was thinking about finding a new home for. He decided to keep Bucky, so that idea died anyhow. But going into Pet Smart today, there was an animal sanctuary doing a ‘Second Chance’ program… and I saw the cat that would become Jack in the cage. I don’t know why, but I fell for his super-friendly routine, and asked Tania about it. She foolishly went over there and was sucked into his gravitational pull of suck-uppyness. $150 and an hour later, he was home.
Jack’s four, he’s got a rag-tag ear from a few scrapes, his fangs show on the top, and while he’s pretty scared right now he’s still friendly beyond belief. He’d been at the shelter for over a year, and they had to shave him down because his fur was so matted. But get this: the name he was given was ‘Buffy‘. He’s a male, and someone named him ‘Buffy‘. That’s not only insipid, but just palin wrong. I considered saving him from this name as important as saving him from the shelter.
And so, a discussion was held with the family over dinner, as Jack got used to one of the bedrooms. Because he’s shaved somewhat like a lion, ‘Aslan’ was tabled, but ultimately [and I think wisely] rejected. ‘Bucky’ was a favourite because it sounds like ‘Buffy’, but he doesn’t respond to ‘Buffy’ anyhow and doesn’t look like a ‘Bucky’. Hailey and I liked ‘Maugrim’, the name of the wolven chief of the Secret Police in Narnia, but in the end, ‘Captain Jack’ won out, all of us in the fam damily having enjoyed Depp’s character in Pirates of the Carribean. Currently he and Abby are still being kept apart, and Jack can be reached by sending a SASE to: Captain Jack, Somewhere Underneath My Bed, 1649 Alwin Circle, Pickering.
More as the good Captain gets a little more adventurous.
So yesterday, my boss forwarded me an email that was sent to him by a guy I’ve worked in conjunction with for six years without incident. This fellow didn’t think I was doing my job properly when it came to the area he’s involved with, and made all kinds of unfair statements directly to my superior about his concerns. What bothers me most – even more than the tone of the email, and the way the ‘facts’ aren’t actually true – is that he elected to go to my boss without speaking to me first. If he had come to me and not recieved the answers he wanted, then I’d understand.. but I was decidedly not given that option. It’s amazing how people will act when they’re frustrated, and it’s a shame that I’ll never have another pleasant conversation with him again.
***
Liam and Hailey have entered a new school. Now that we’ve moved to Pickering and the shcool year has started, we’ve decided to send them to the local Catholic school rather than keep them in the same school in Toronto. Both seem to have adjusted well, but I’m sad to report that Liam has already gotten a detention. I don’t know what it is about that kid, but he just doesn’t care to listen sometimes. I’m reading Children: The Challenge to try to get some ideas on how to point him in the direction he needs to go. I’m trying to temper the discipline by not being overbearing about it, but I don’t know how well I’m succeeding. I want to get him towards a place where he pays attention and completes the tasks put before him, but the last thing I want is for him to grow up and not want much to do with me, the way I don’t want much to do with my mother anymore. It’s a tough road, parenting, and I haven’t much experience.
***
My mother and I are not currently speaking. This happens from time to time, when she says something hurtful and I leave her alone awhile. My mother is a very intelligent, well-mannered and somewhat sophisticated woman, and because of what she measures success with, I have not grown into someone she can be especially proud of. At the core of it all, my mother believes I am a lazy, overweight man who never follows through on things he starts and who has never lived up to his potential. She may well be right; I don’t really know. If she is, then my own value system of measurement – having a wonderful wife, some great kids, and being happy in your life – is to blame. I suppose that’s the crux of it all: our value systems are different, my mother and I, and as my father is no longer around to keep the balance of parenthood I became used to growing up [he died in 2001], my mother as a single entity has become someone I have great difficulty dealing with. I wish I could say that I don’t care enough anymore to simply brush her off for good, because I do, and it hurts very deeply that she doesn’t really like me much. I honestly do not know how to fix the rift that’s between us, and strongly doubt that it will ever mend.
***
I haven’t been posting here for awhile because I’ve been working on my new blog, God Only Loves Fools. I created G.O.L.F. to chronicle my few successes and many failures as a golfer, and to keep track of the lineage of the Valleywoods Cup – a trophy my foursome has created to up the competition. It’s linked to the right, as is What Do You Think?, a blog created by my buddy Kevin. Also on the blog front, Tracy has renamed her blog from The Piano Has Been Drinking to Cogito Eggo Sum, so be sure to click that – as well as Forclock, her blog about World of Warcraft.
The Designer Guys are… designer-guying the house three doors over. Today’s “reveal day”, and apparently the house is owned by Tracy Moore of City-TV, a Toronto-based TV station [Oooh! A brush with mediocrity!]. Anyhow, I’m not sure which is more odd: that a local celebrity in Toronto would own a modest house in Pickering, or that the Designer Guys would want to renovate out here.
It’s been awhile, so it’s hodge-podge day. My lawn is coming in nicely now, so I’ll post pictures soon as well as what finally made it grow. Liam has broken his arm by falling off his bike, and has a cast on it for the next four weeks. The new one is camouflage, so he’s quite happy with it. He, Hailey and I also went to the Science Centre a little while ago, and while there is some new stuff like the pitching machine and the bug display on “Vomit Slurpers“, they still have exactly the same stuff they had there when I was a kid. Hailey and Liam even did the good ol’ static electricity machine that my sister and I did when we were kids:
In other news, the chiller compressor at work was fried by some kind of phase loss, and the tenants won’t have cooling for up to three weeks while it’s replaced. That’s just grand. It means it sucks to be me right now, as it’s my ass getting verbally fucked on a daily basis. On an equally anally-rapish note, Tania once signed for her ex-husband’s motorbike years ago when they we’re married, and now that he’s declared bankruptcy they’re coming after her for the outstanding $7,000. Yes! It does suck to be me! Thanks for asking!
Anyhow, more later. In the meantime, Silver Toad had best send me pictures of his kidney stones like he’s supposed to so that I can update you visually as well as descriptively on the flaming crater of pain that is his life.
- BC
