Filed under: General Rants
Joe Scarborough Flips Out at DNC Convention
I don’t like Joe Scarborough very much. This is why.
Filed under: Family
Because I’m lazy, I invented something.
It’s amazing what you can create with a banana hanger, a bungee cord and a strong motivation to cure the cramped arm you get from holding your twelve-pound baby during a feeding. Indeed, I am truly the MacGuyver of parenting.
- BC
Filed under: General Rants
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears… but not your teeth! No, keep those in your mouth, because dentists are evil and must avoided at all costs. Spurn them as you would spurn a rabid dog! The pain dentistry has unleashed upon the world knows no bounds. My own tale of woe begins at the age of five, when…. no, it’s too terrible to relate. That, dear friends, is a tale for a darker day.
Here’s one that I’ve recently endured, however. Earlier in the week, I went [begrudgingly] to the dentist for an appointment. It’s been awhile, and some work needed to be done. I went in pain-free… and came out a swollen mess of anguish. The pain was one thing, but the infection the so-called “medicated filling” [what the hell is that, anyhow? Some sort of penicillin-laced meringue?] was supposed to stop raged through my cheek over the next few days until it looked like I was trying to deep throat a softball. And I dont know how this happened, but it actually GOT INTO MY JOINTS!
Dentists aren’t the only evil creatures inhabiting the dental office, too. There’s the dental assistants who also act as receptionists – or, perhaps it’s better said, the receptionists who act as dental assistants. For you old gamer types, they’re sort of likle the 1d4 hobgoblins you must defeat before taking down the 12d10 ogre. Here’s a recent conversation I had with a dental assistant:
ME: Where are you located?
DA: At 355 Johnson Street.
ME: Okay. Where is that?
DA: … On *Johnson* Street.
ME [pausing]: Umm… no, where is Johnson Street?
DA: It’s, like, downtown.
ME [pausing again]: … aha. What is the main intersection?
DA: Richmond….
ME: Okay…
DA: … and Johnson Street.
ME [longest pause thus far]: Is there an adult there I can speak to?
DA: What?
ME [insert sound of phone banging against forehead here]
- BC
- I’ve a Facebook club dedicated to revolting against dentistry now. Join the decay-filled revolution!
I must apologize for my rampant absenteeism, good reader. “I Fought The Lawn” was created to chronicle changes in my life, and while change has been happening all the time over the past four months it’s also left me completely *devoid* of time to chronicle it. Go figure. Regardless, I’ll just get to it.
I have taken a new job – and moved to a new town to take it. Yeah, those are both big things, let me tell you. While I still work for my company, the professional situation and politicking at my old job had gotten so ridiculous that I requested a transfer some months ago. My company [who has been very good about this, incidentally] subsequently looked around and found a position in health care in London, Ontario. That’s about two and half hours from Pickering, so it meant moving. After some negotiation back and forth and after speaking about it at length with family and friends, Tania and I decided to make the move from the Pick.
With my company supplying me with a nifty apartment in downtown London to live Monday through Friday, I went to work a little over three months ago and only returned home on weekends. I thought it was going to be absolutely miserable being away from my family for five out of seven days, but I must be truthful and say that it wasn’t as difficult as expected. I found I was able to concentrate fully on work and really throw myself into it, and that made the time pass faster. My only real concerns were Tania and the house: Tan was six months pregnant when I first started working for St. Joe’s, and she’d have to sell our house while I was away.
Timing was absolutely everything, and we understood that from the get-go. Our house had to be sold before the end of my third month out there as my company would expect me to be self-sufficient by then… which also meant that we had to have a new house to settle into by that time, too. Three weekends spent at open houses and with a wonderful real estate agent we hired on resulted in our new home, which is fabulous beyond our expectations and in which we have now inhebited. Because our old furniture was rather crappy, we sprang for a whole new living room suite and treated ourselves to a new 46″ LCD television for Christmas. Yes, the debt keeps mounting! Selling the house in Pickering was a mind-bending chore, though, as the eventual buyers had already agreed to purchase it a week before and had subsequently pulled out of the deal only to return and re-offer two weeks later. That meant an unnecessary bridge mortgage that cost us a fair amount of profits. Bastards!
Around those two Hurculean feats we had a baby to deliver, too. Tania is an amazing woman. Think about this a moment: you’re giving birth shortly, trying to sell your home and attempting to organize a move to a new city where you don’t know anyone all at the same time. And because you had your two previous children at a Toronto hospital you trust, you really want to go there again and don’t want to have it in London. Think you could pull it off? Yeah, I couldn’t either. She did, though, and she deserves all credit for it… and she put the icing on her cake with the birth of our son.
Cameron Robert Wood was born at 6:10pm at December 8th at St. Michael’s Hospital in Toronto. Tania’s water had broken at around 3:00 am that day [it was a Saturday, so I was home for the weekend - didn't I mention timing was everything?] and we were at the hospital by 5:30. She wasn’t dialated enough, so they asked us to go walk around the Eaton Centre. We spent a few boring hours down there looking at Christmas stuff, and finally wandered back to the hospital around 10:30. Tania was subsequently induced as she wasn’t having contractions. I don’t know what I was expecting when it came to inducement; I guess I just sort of distantly assumed they’d stick something wide and uncomfortable in her,pull the trigger, and wait for the baby to pop out after a loud “CHUNG!” sound. Whatever I was expecting, it wasn’t an IV drip.
The subseqent pain was too much for Tania to bear and so she opted for an epidural. I’ve never seen her in so much pain, and don’t want to again. I swear to God, that pain in her face and the fact that I don’t want a five-bedroom house are the two reasons I’m getting a vasectomy soon. No more kids, man – she can’t take it, and neither can I. Anyhow, the first epidural didn’t take and they weren’t getting it right, so I was pretty worried for awhile there. It finally worked the second time, however, and she calmed down some.
I’ll be honest: I wasn’t going to look at Cameron coming out and I didn’t want to cut the cord. I wasn’t sure how I’d react to seeing the mess along with the birth. But when his head popped out I found all of that stuff went right out the window. As the nurse said, it’s just too fascinating and amazing to be disgusting. There’s your wife, legs spread apart and opened up wide like something Evil Knievel is going to jump with a rocket car, and then there’s this kid coming out. It didn’t take long for him to make it out, and I cut his cord after all. He weighed in at 7 pounds 10 ounces, and measured 22 inches in length. He doesn’t cry much, he sleeps through the night, and he’s not one of the ugly babies you sometimes see. He is, in short, utterly awesome. I also don’t think he’s one of those ugly babies you see, but I’m prejudiced.
In subsequent weeks life has started to quiet down. Cam is not gaining weight at the speed he should be and so formula must be added to his bottle. Tania originally fed him directly from the breast but the kid is so strong he was hurting her. His grip is enormous, too, and so I’ve started calling him “Bam-Bam”. The kids have started at their new school and both have made friends already. Tania is slowly unpacking the house and while we live in a big mess right now it’s all falling into place. And although we didn’t have a Christmas tree this year due to time constraints, the kids made out like bandits once again. I’ll post about the holidays shortly.
New job, new house, new town, new baby… new lawn!
- BC
My annual Remembrance Day post.
***
I had a great uncle Reg who fought in World War I. In the time since his passing [he died in his nineties in the Veteran's Wing of Sunnybrook Hospital] I’ve learned that he was part of the British Expeditionary Force and ended up in the 170th Battalion. I don’t know the Regiment, unfortunately, but I actually have a copy of his Attestation Paper – the document of his enlistment, which he signed when he was nineteen – and you can see HERE, if you’re interested.
Uncle Reg was shot in the shoulder at Vimy Ridge, the site of perhaps Canada’s most notorious battle of WWI. He was captured by the Germans and taken to Dusseldorf, where he spent the remainder of the war in in POW camp. Although he never told me anything horrid that happened there, I’m told it wasn’t pleasant. I have his father’s diary as well, which says they were told he was dead three days before they were told he was a prisoner. I can’t imagine what a horrible feeling that must have been, thinking he was dead; they were lucky, in the end, where so many of their neighbours were not.
Each year I try head down to City Hall and watch the ceremonies at 11 o’clock, and spend the time trying to wrap my head around what the veterans who fought in the wars we’ve fought sacrificed. The point of this post is to say that I hope you all take a moment in your own way to remember those who died so that we could live free. Whether you’re Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, Canadian, American, Japanese or German, it doesn’t matter: from failing hands they’ve thrown the torch, and it’s ours to hold high.
***
A couple of years ago, Tracy [whom I miss dearly] made me a Remembrance Day CD from her great music collection. Although I ultimately picked these songs, credit for the introduction I got to many of them is solely Tracy’s. If you ever want to make one of your own, here’s what’s on mine:
1] In Flander’s Fields – John McDermott
2] The Maple Leaf Forever
3] Recruiting Sargeant – Great Big Sea
4] The Making of Tipperary - Seamus Kennedy
5] Ain’t Gonna Jump No More – Oscard Brand Military Folk
6] The Green Fields of France – Sons of Maxwell
7] Johnny Come Lately – Steve Earle with The Pogues
8] Battle Hym of the Republic - Joan Baez
9] And The Band Played Waltzing Matilida – The Pogues
10] Gallipoli – The Balladeers
11] Sargeant Where’s Mine – Billy Connolly
12] Remembrance Day - Bryan Adams
13] Sink The Bismarck – Johnny Horton
14] Flowers of the Forest
15] North Atlantic Squadron – Stompin’ Tom Connors
16] Long Way To Tipperary
17] Brothers In Arms – Dire Straits
- BC
- Thanks Tracy
- Thanks, Uncle Reg
***
On November 11, 1999 Terry Kelly was in a Shoppers Drug Mart store in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. At 10:55 AM an announcement came over the store’s PA asking customers who would still be on the premises at 11:00 AM to give two minutes of silence in respect to the veterans who have sacrificed so much for us.
Terry was impressed with the store’s leadership role in adopting the Legion’s “two minutes of silence” initiative. He felt that the store’s contribution of educating the public to the importance of remembering was commendable.
When eleven o’clock arrived on that day, an announcement was again made asking for the “two minutes of silence” to commence. All customers, with the exception of a man who was accompanied by his young child, showed their respect.
Terry’s anger towards the father for trying to engage the store’s clerk in conversation and for setting a bad example for his child was channeled into a beautiful piece of work called, “A Pittance of Time”.
To all the veterans of all of the wars, and to all the soldiers and all the peacekeepers who wear the uniform today, thank you. And Uncle Reg? We miss you, sir.
- BC
Hi! My name is Tim, and a strikingly handsome thirty-something who’s turn-ons include walking on the beach and gazing adoringly at sunsets, and who’s turn-offs include rude people and litterbugs. My favourite colour is British racing green, and…
Well, it feels like a re-introduction should be made, anyways. It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything of significance. A lot has changed recently, though – work, home and everything in between – and since I’ve got a few minutes while this year’s Heroes storyline fails to impress slowly in the background, I figured now was a good time. Here goes.
First off, I’ve changed jobs. I still work for the same company, but I’ve left Microsoft in favour of a position at St. Joseph’s Health Care in London, Ontario. I was not enjoying myself at Microsoft any longer, and while the last year has been a good learning experience, my Director’s job was not going well. For a lot of boring reasons I won’t go into, it was time to move on. I asked for a transfer, and St. Joe’s came up. Health care is a booming field for housekeeping and facilities, and I was given an offer I couldn’t turn down. It included a moving package [I live two and a half hours from London] for my family and a paid apartment until Tania and the kids are able to move out there. I won’t be staying at St. Joe’s in the long run, but I’m doing my training there for two months before moving on to a new managerial position. It’s a fantastic opportunity for me to leap forward from, and I’ve been in the thick of it for three weeks already.
On the downside, I’m only coming home on weekends. That’s been hard, especially with Tania in her third trimester. I worry a lot about my wife and how she’s getting along. On top of leaving her here all week, we bought a new house in London and will take possession November 30th… two weeks before she gives birth! It’s a beautiful place on a cul de sac [which is what dead ends are called when you live on them] full of hardwood floors that sits with an open field beside it. It’s the nicest place I’ve ever lived, anyhow. So new job, new home, new baby… yeeeeesh. It’s all under control, but it’s a lot to handle at once.
HOME FRONT MISH-MASH BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY: Tania has at this moment conceded to the name ‘Cameron Joseph Robert Wood’ for our son! That’s awesome news for me…. Captain Jack has been shaved down! He is now a wee whisp of his former shaggy self. Pictures soon… Liam may have chicken pox shortly, which is awful right now as Tania is pregnant and can’t be around him. My Mom will have to take care of him [I hope] while Tania moves to her Dad’s for a week and I’m in London. Yeah, the timing sucks.
Anyhow, I’ve got another two hour drive tomorrow morning, so I’ll jet. Wish me luck.
- BC
Filed under: Me
The summer has kept me AFK, and not a lot has been going on.
Well, I’m moving to a new town, starting a new job, having a new baby and have bought a new house, but that’s neither here nor there, right?
- BC
Filed under: General Rants
Okay, I have a complaint… about The Transformers. I’m talking about the toys, mind you – the movie was actually pretty excellent, and I enjoyed it both times I sat through it [once with friends, once with the kids]. They did a bang-up job with it, which was odd because “they” was Michael Bay, and everything he touches turns to shite. So my complaint lies with the toys, not the film. Okay? Okay.
Behold the wonder that is Starscream. My favourite Decepticon as a child, the cowardly and cruel Starscream has been lovingly returned to life in the shape of this killer-looking robot you see before you. I don’t mind that he’s no longer red, blue and white – you’ve gotta go with what’s cool for the time, and I’m not that picky. What does trouble me, though, is the length of time it took five grown men to turn Starscream from his robot form….
… into his jet fighter form. Any guesses? Forty-five minutes! I shit you not, people - FORTY-FIVE MINUTES! Why? Because it’s fucking complicated. Five intelligent men at work took three quarters of an hour to transform this thing for Liam’s birthday because it’s insanely complicated. We laughed about it, saying Liam would get it in five minutes…. err, no. He can’t even do it at all. “For ages 5 and up” my Aunt Fanny!
Now again, Starscream looks awesome in both forms, and there’s six missiles that actually fire on it, and he’s way taller than the Titanium Series Starscream…
… but people, this thing is nuts. The Starscream of my youth – the one you see above there – took me three minutes to transform the first time I bought him about a week ago. It’s because there’s only five things needed to do to turn him from robot form…
… into his cool-ass looking plane. COOL-ASS I SEZ! Tell me this thing isn’t as totally wicked-awesome as the new one! I dare you! I double-dare you, mofo! Even now, modern-day Starscream takes me almost five full minutes of twisting and turning to transform, where classic Starscream takes about one. I can see the battle between them now….
[SCENE: Classic Starscream flies over a building with Blitzkrieg and Ravage, bearing down on Modern Starscream.]
CLASSIC STARSCREAM: “DECEPTICONS… ATTAAAAAACK!!”
MODERN STARSCREAM [starting to transform]: “PREPARE TO PERISH, STARSCR — YARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!”
[ Modern Starscream's words are drowned out under five minutes of endless gunfire during his transformation.]
[End scene.]
Also, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I would upload photos of Liam’s transformed Blackout for you… but I can’t understand the directions to transform him! It’s like dyslexic monkeys wrote the instructions to change this dude. And there’s one guy that’s currently taking me twenty full minutes to transform….
… which would be completely ridiculous if it were anyone but Optimus. And yes, he is awesome. But Hasbro, you’ve made these things too complicated for the parents to follow… and even too complicated for the kids! You guys really need to dial it back for the sake of my kid’s frustration levels – and my own sanity, to boot. BRING BACK THE CLASSICS!
- BC
